mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
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Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.