Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
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I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.