Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
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Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I wish I could veto my bills.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you