My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.