My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
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[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Not messing around
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
A flock of dads is called a grill.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.