my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.