Happy Caturday!
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Simple
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I will never stop laughing at this
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE