Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great