doing some research
You Might Also Like
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite