God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
i hate you platonically
How do you milk an almond?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”