Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
synchronized noseblowing
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Friday
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.