Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
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ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you