Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
felt that
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
One cake enters. No cake leaves.