MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
New Tinder profile.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…