(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
This is my bus stop.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I see your IQ test came back negative
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*