When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
A choir of Spring onions
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
do u think theres a butter planet?