*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
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We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.