I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
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sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
this is the greatest thing ever
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.