*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
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can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*