Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
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Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Nice try, NASA
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.