Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Hot hot hot 🥵
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.