Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
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*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Not today