Sooo many times…..
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Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Happy Star Wars day!
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day