I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
2022 will be better than 2021
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.