Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Admin smashed it 😂
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?