Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think