My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
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Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like