WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
mathematically impossible
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Happy Caturday!
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥