Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
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those birds must be on payroll
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’m crying im so happy for them
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[montage of me giving-up]