You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
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please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer