Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.