It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
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[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
good work, detective
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.