[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
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no refunds
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.