“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
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and this one
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Thursday Thought.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.