My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great