When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
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If a snake ate a cake
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?