I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
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Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Awesome parenting 😂
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn