Just how popey was the pope today?
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Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Every work call, he judges.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a