I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
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If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
S O O N
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
This is my brand.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
english majors be like furthermore
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
seems fine
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this