[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
i hate you platonically
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*