I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
absolute chaos
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.