FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
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If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Just got to our Airbnb!
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.