What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
That’s classic.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.