LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
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How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do