People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
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*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid