Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Name this drama.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.