*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids