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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
called in thicc to work this morning
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.