I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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I have obtained a hat
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Florida be like…
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
the three branches of government
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.