Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
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How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
fired